Pleased To Meet You #0
By Annaluisa Socher
Sarah Smith thinks she has a happy life now because she’s found a family who hasn’t returned her to the orphanage. However, when two people show up at her doorstep one morning to take her away, Sarah goes on the run. What she discovers in her flight, will bring back memories of a time and place far removed from her life in present day England.
This is a short introductory story that will lead to a longer SF novel. For something like this, I think it’s a good premise, however, there are problems.
Sarah Smith: 12, blonde, green eyes, orphan
Andrew Flanagan: says he’s a lawyer with an orphanage
Anne Miller: says she works for an orphanage
Matt Andersson: bearded
There is a limited number of characters. While I liked Sarah, I found some of the others annoying and inefficient. Too much movie bad guy action/no action. (“We’re going to kill you but we’re going to act all mean and evil before we get around to it.”)
B movie dialogue in many instances. Too many repetitions of a bad guy call Sarah a brat.
Here’s where a lot of the problems show. The main problem was POV. This should have stayed with Sarah throughout but it switched back and forth and while I can understand omnipresent POV, I don’t think it works in this short.
Some punctuation problems. There was one case where a sentence has an aside for further explanation but the author used two different punctuation to separate the aside: This is the beginning of the sentence-while this is the aside, and this is the end of the sentence.
Choose either the dash or the comma for the separation.
Some overwriting and weak writing:
Example: As the seconds pass a noise came closer. It was a train and its sound grew louder and louder, signaling that it was getting near. (No need to repeat that something was nearing.)
Example: By saying these words the man put his right foot between the door jam and the door itself. (‘By saying these words’ is badly written and no need to overwrite where he put his foot.
Example: …realized almost immediately that…she was in danger. (There are some extra words in this sentence which makes it, first, too long, and second, Sarah had been in danger long before this. By this point she’s already been caught by the bad guys. Of course she in danger.)
Example: …was a guy rather than a man. (I don’t know what that means. Is it some British colloquialism?)
There are others.
As mentioned above, I think the story has potential but if these problems are seen in a longer novel, I would have difficulty reading and enjoying it.
No spelling errors so I’m giving this an: