By Christopher Slayton
They are an elite team of genetically enhanced soldiers. Each has special abilities, from telekinesis to healing injuries. Led by Lieutenant Tyler Young they handle the global problems that need ‘extra’ attention. When the team foils a plot against the President, they turn their attention to capturing another super-human.
It’s the makings of what could be a cool comic book and maybe an action movie. For a plot, I think it’s fine. There are superheroes and super villains. There are political ramifications and power plays. All expected in this type of story. Some areas are less believable than others, but the plot is fine. However, there are other, more serious problems.
Desmond Striker: rank of Private First Class, enhanced soldier, brown skin, parents dead
Liam King: Australian, dirty blond hair, blue eyes, gun-for-hire, enhanced abilities, former military
Tyler Young: rank of Lieutenant, enhanced soldier, father and grandfather were soldiers, mother dead
Henry Wilbert: holds a doctorate, scientist
Anna Young: 5’9”, Tyler’s foster sister, enhanced soldier, Private First Class, trained in martial arts
Daniel Bishop: Colonel, pale, wrinkled
James Westfield: emerald eyes, former Marine, owns Armored Tempest, owns a helicopter
I can understand the personalities of the team members when they first get put together-a little joking, teasing, etc.-but after three years some joking is fine, but, at times, they all sound like they’re freshmen or sophomores in high school. Especially the guys. They certainly don’t seem like sound professionals with years of training, warfare, and conflict under their belts. Maybe this helps the ‘comic book’ ambiance, but for a novel, I don’t think it works.
Incorrect punctuation on tag lines. Periods where there should be commas. Commas where there should be periods (The tag line should be a separate sentence.) Too many adverbs describing how characters spoke, too many ‘ly’ words. Too many tag lines other than said. A lot of ‘roaring’ and ‘yelling’ and ‘screaming’ going on (even one character screaming to himself) when the action and tension of the scene should show how a character said words.
Chapters are titled. Profanity.
Incorrect words used. Misspelled words. A tense change in one paragraph from past to present. Punctuation errors.
In general, the writing was pretty weak. Shorter sentences needed for the action scenes. There were two or three or more actions going on in one action sequence. Tighter writing was needed in that there were a lot of unnecessary words. (i.e. – Kiyoko tightened her grip, and with her enhanced strength and the man’s body growing weaker by the second she crushed his neck within seconds, leaving the man to suffocate. – By this time, the reader already knows she has enhanced strength. The last part, ‘leaving the man to suffocate’ probably isn’t needed at best. At worst, the man doesn’t suffocate if his neck is crushed. He’s already dead.) (i.e. – She grabbed him by his tie and pulled him in for a kiss that seemed to last forever, all while softly placing a hand on his brown cheek with her other hand gripping his toned bicep. This sentence is too wordy. The first part is fine, but ‘all the while…’ doesn’t work because if the kiss lasts awhile, she is not still placing her hand on his cheek. The last part just adds to the run-on.)
Here’s an interesting visual that I can’t quite see happening: Vincent quickly used his enemy’s weapon against him by bashing the barrel into the man’s face. He then threw the man over his shoulder, holding onto his weapon and sprayed a few rounds into his chest.
There were several occasions of ‘killing him instantly’. Not needed. The act of shooting him or zapping him or whatever method used would imply that death is the result.
Like the dialogue, there are a lot of ‘ly’ words to describe action.
Not believable: In the scene with the President and the bad guy causes havoc, she (the President) is not going to order Secret Service agents and then take cover. The Secret Service would have a precise plan to remove her from danger and they would implement it.
Because of the mistakes and the other problems, this was a difficult read. The adequate plot saves it from the lowest rank.